2 years ago, these are the pictures we took.
2 years later, this is where we've landed.
No jumping off steps for us this year. :) When I think about all that we've been through in the last two years, I'm just amazed. I am so grateful I waited for David, even though there were many days (and years!) when I wasn't even certain he existed. He is so good to me, is always looking for ways to make my life easier, and has never once wavered in his desire to be the best father he can be to these boys. I am so grateful for him.
Our anniversary didn't really go as planned yesterday. Number one, I'm in the hospital. Number two, his day at the clinic went super late. Number three, by the time we were both done with our days (his work and my ultrasound), we were exhausted. Of course, it's never really a good idea to have conversations about anything important when you're exhausted, but we had to debrief on the ultrasound when he got here, which of course led to more emotional stuff. (Don't worry, Kelli, everything's fine.) :)
The facts: We've hit 29 weeks. Yay! It looks like all three boys are doing really well. Baby A is estimated at 2 lb 11 oz, Baby B at 3 lb 6 oz, and Baby C at 2 lb 2 oz. Of course, our worry is Baby C's growth, so we just keep an extra close eye on him. He still in the 17th percentile, so no one's getting too excited about it just yet, but still...he's the main reason we are here.
I've started having really hard contractions at night. Nothing really regular, but they definitely wake me up and last for a while. I've started wondering if this is the beginning of the end. Of course, no one thought we would make it this far, so we really have no idea when these babies are going to come. That's hard to cope with, but nothing new. However, the reality is, we're for sure down to the last few weeks. Since they're all viable and doing so well that instead of worrying about them living when they're born, I'm now starting to panic about actually having three newborns. Last night it really hit me, and I felt a new kind of terror. It's all been fairly theoretical up to this point--we've just been trying to survive the actual pregnancy part--but last night I began imagining things three weeks from now and started wishing I could take it all back. Start all over. Just have one baby. I cried a lot. Again. The longer we talked, the more I wished my mom was alive and could help me. I felt so far away from her. I felt far away from Dave. I started to feel completely isolated and alone. I knew I had to dig deep, to not let myself go to this dark place, but I couldn't find the strength. I knew I should pray, but I felt completely on empty. So I went to sleep instead and had dreams of escape.
Today, I tried to put everything out of my mind. I went through my day's routine and just tried to focus on the day's tasks of monitoring, showering, and sewing the kids' stockings, and not overthink the future. I knew I couldn't live in denial forever, but I also had no more energy for the rollercoaster today. And then, minutes into composing this post tonight, an old high school friend sent me a message about a dream she had about my mom. I could not stop crying as I read her message. I hadn't had the strength or the faith to pray last night, but it turns out my mom (and the Lord) could sense the need in my heart--or maybe they just listened to the prayers of all of you--and, for the second time since she's been gone, has reached out to me through the dream of a friend and asked her to pass on a message to me when I've been truly at my lowest. The message was she knows I'm scared to death of having all three babies at once, but assures me I'll be fine. Assures me that she'll be there to help. Encourages me to keep healing and moving forward. We're going to be okay. I want to believe that more than anything. And incidentally, that was the exact same message she sent through another friend about a year after she died--she's okay and I'm okay.
It's hard not to miss her and wish she was here with me, but her message three years ago was right and so this one I have to believe is also right. I'm going to be okay. Dave and I are going to be okay. These babies are going to come in their due time and they are coming to us for a reason. He doesn't give us anything more than we can handle. Which is why I think my belly is devoid of stretch marks. That would have been the clincher, I think.
. Also, 29 Weeks.){kind=link}
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